A new year, a new start, a journey to the middle place

Some of us really do have a perfection problem. In interviews, I have been asked to give the interviewer "Something about myself that I'd like to work on". Seriously!? Like I am going to tell them "Well, I find it difficult to get any place on time. I usually get projects, assignments and required tasks completed about 16 or 17 seconds before they are due. The details of any project seem to really freak me out, as I quite often have no idea where to start. I have a hard time completing many of the things I start. Oh, and this suit I'm wearing today, it's rented. Yeah, I just didn't want to buy a suit, you know, because I still want to lose a few pounds and all." So, to be honest, and yet still hold a chance of getting the job, instead I tell the interviewer, "Well, I think I may be somewhat of a perfectionist." The interviewer may then ask for an explanation or example. (Damn!) "Okay, uh, I have, you know, in the past, at one time or another, had to tell myself "Julie, just get this report done, it's okay if there are no charts and graphs attached, Bob didn't ask for charts and graphs. Bob just asked for the report."

Some people may view perfectionism as a good trait to have. In my opinion, it is crippling.

For 34 years I have struggled with wanting to be perfect, wanting to do everything perfect. What happens if it's not perfect? I feel guilty and like I failed. What if the task seems to daunting, to difficult to be done perfectly? The task is not started or not completed, and again I feel guilty. If I cannot be perfect, or I cannot do it perfectly, then I give up. It is so extreme. So black and white. So right or wrong. In my mind, if it isn't perfect then it's a failure. This way of thinking is so much a part of me, that I have a hard time changing it. Many times, especially in the "heat of the moment" when a decision is being made, I don't even recognize that I'm doing it. Even now, as I write my first blog, I'm thinking to myself "Okay, is it normal to be taking this long to write a freaking blog, or am I just trying to write it perfectly?" I know I could accomplish so much more if I just did it, rather than doing it over and over again, trying to make it perfect.

What is perfect anyway? I may see something done by another person as done perfectly, yet it is just "thrown together" by them. Maybe "thrown together" can be perfect too?

I want to lose weight, eat healthier, exercise regularly, maintain an organized home, scrapbook, sew, quilt, paint on canvas, decorate my house, buy curtains, blog and write a book. None of these things have been accomplished in the past. They have been started, or attempted, but never completed. I always gave up because I didn't think I was doing it perfect.

So, at the age of 34, in January of 2010, I start my journey towards a middle place. I must strive to think in the middle, to think in the gray areas instead of the black and white. I won't be able to do all the things I want in my life, and do them all perfectly. That will have to be okay with me. This is a new year and a new start for me. I am determined to do something. To complete something. To accomplish something. Even if the road is bumpy and imperfect, and it leads to a place of imperfect results, at least I will have traveled the road and seen the results. That has to be better than standing still.