Am I a Christen? Seriously?

     Born, Baptized, Raised, Confirmed and Married... Lutheran. We moved to other cities / towns / states, and transfered our membership, but always to another Missouri Synod Lutheran Church.

     We lived one block from the public school in Grand Island, Nebraska. Yet,  my mother drove me across town from Preschool through 3rd grade, where I attended Trinity Lutheran School. Starting in the 5th grade I attended classes every Wednesday evening (9 months of the year) to learn about being Lutheran, (In order to be confirmed in the spring of 1990). In Jr. High, I attended many of the youth group events and overnighters our leaders planned for us.  As a member of the Beautiful Savior Lutheran Church youth group in Olathe Kansas, I attended the National LCMS Youth Gathering in New Orleans, LA in 1992.

     I was married by a Lutheran pastor, to a Lutheran man, in a Lutheran Church. My children were baptized within months of being born. I know I am a Lutheran. For all intents and purposes, I am, technically a Lutheran... That being said, Lutherans are Christians. So, Julie = Lutheran = Christian? Right?

     It all seems so easy to understand. I can accept being Lutheran. And, I can accept that Lutherans are Christian. Why then, is it so hard for me to jump from Julie = Lutheran to Julie = Christian?

     I think it has something to do with sin? I smoke cigarettes, I drink beer, I swear sometimes. I sin small and I sin big. As hard as I try, I still sin. I try not to sin big so much, then I think about being told all sins are the same... then I feel overwhelmed. My pastor reminds me God forgives my sin. He says it is impossible to not sin. As I am human. We are sinful by nature in thought, word and deed. We sin by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We are saved in spite of ourselves. Through the water of baptism we are washed clean of our sin. Why is this so difficult for me to grasp? I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. What scares me is...  Do I believe I am saved through baptism? Why would God choose me?

     My husband seems to think christians are judgmental and fake. He is leery of someone who blatantly says "I am a Christian". This is especially true if it is one of the first things you say about yourself. I wonder, is this a personal thing for him, or, do many people feel this way? He will attend church with me, and states that he does in fact feel as though he has a better week when he has attended church. He agrees with my insistence of our daughters being confirmed and taught about our faith. He even says he likes the fact that I want to attend church, read the bible, and want to learn more about God's word. I think he respects this about me. He was confirmed Lutheran, raised Lutheran as well. His parents attend church weekly. Yet, this feeling of christians being judgmental and fake still stays with him.

     I write this because these are my true and honest thoughts. My questions. My doubts. My fears. I hope I am not implying that all Lutherans have these doubts. This is me. I am not teaching or preaching. I am asking. I am looking for answers to these honest questions I have. I am looking for the truth, and to make sense of my thoughts. I am choosing to share the thoughts that make me, me. Maybe this is wrong? Something pulls me to find these answers. As cheesy as this sounds, it's true.

   Help me to blend the me we all know, with the me who wants to be christian. Can I be fun, and have fun, and be me... as well as be a christian?

   I invite your honest thoughts and opinions. If you have a biblical verse or chapter to suggest I read, I welcome that as well.

Thanks for reading.
Love the Life you Live,
Julie Brush

    

Mother's Day

I did a quick google search this morning. I typed in: something nice I can do for my husband on Mother's Day. I obviously came up with nothing relevant. So, I used googles advanced search tools, and looked for the same search query under "most recent" and "within the last 24 hours" (as this usually pulls search results more from recent blogs or "tweets"). Still no relevant results.

You may be thinking "Of course you can't find anything relevant. Why would you search that? Isn't Mother's Day for Moms?"

Yes. Mother's day is a day for Mom's. For children, young and old, to acknowledge their Mother's for all the things our Mom's have done, and continue to do, for us.

The problem with Mother's Day is in the expectations we,  as mother's,  set for our husbands and children for this day. In the past,  I have found myself to have been disappointed on mother's day. Usually from the lack of acknowledgement of this "special" day, from my husband and children.

As the first one to rise this morning. I had an hour of the day alone to read and reflect. The section of the book I happened to read this morning spoke about selfishness. It struck me that, my disappointment in my husband and/or children for their lack of acknowledgement of me on Mother's day is very selfish of me.

Today I will chose to not be selfish. I will chose to enjoy this day, as any other Sunday, with my husband and children. I am thankful to have them. Going one step further, I am going to do something for them today. It will be something small, maybe baking cookies with my girls and making my husband his favorite  dinner, but it will be something for them.  After all, I wouldn't be a mother without them, would I? :)

Lot's of Love to all the Mother's out there today! Have a wonderful day, and enjoy your family!

Thanks for reading,
Julie Brush

I Almost Puked

     After approximately a 6 week "vacation" from exercise,  I returned to Eva's Tighter Assets class this evening.  The following is a Random list of my thoughts as I drive to class, during class and after class.

DRIVING TO CLASS:
I'm so excited to start working out again!
I wonder how hard it will be to start working out again?
I think I'll be ok.
I'll be tired, but I'm sure I'll be fine.
Like... Maybe I'll be sore, a little bit, tomorrow... but I'll be fine.

It's not like I am doing cardio, like Zumba, or anything like that.
It's just tighter assets class. No Zumba...
I might have to take more breaks than I did before.
Probably I won't be able to go as hard as usual for this first class back.

I can't wait to see Eva!
I better drink an Energy drink (emv lite) on my way to class.
Oh geez. When was the last time I drank water? 6 weeks ago?
I better chug this energy drink.
And, the water... I better chug some water real quick before I get there.

Wow! I'm like 15 minutes late a I found parking easily!
Must not be a lot of people at class tonight.

CLASS:
Holy crap! This class is huge!
Where did these people come from?
Seriously!
What... did you people all walk, (or RUN) to class? Where are your cars?

Maybe I can sneak in here and no one will...
never mind...
I wonder if Eva told them to clap after she says "Welcome Back, Julie!"

Leg lifts. Good. I can do this!
I can't believe my leg is hurting already.
So, this is the first exercise and only the second set (out of 4 sets) on the first leg, and it hurts already!?
Something is wrong with me I think... Why would my legs be shaking?
I have seriously been working out for like 4 minutes and my flipping legs are shaking!

Oh yeah, breathe. Can't forget to breathe.
I can't breathe. Out of breath. Need to take a break.
Why are my lips going numb? My fingers too. Lips and Fingers tingle.
Oh, that would be the lack of oxygen, because I can NOT catch my breath,
I am so out of shape. This is worse than the first time I ever worked out with her.
What was I thinking before? "No Cardio"....   No Cardio, my ass.

I thought the cortisone shot in my foot was supposed to help with the pain.
My toe hurts. My foot hurts. Arthritis. Bone Spurs. Pain.
What about that shot? I got the cortisone shot. I thought it would make it less painful in my foot!

Still not breathing right. Still out of breath.
I'm dizzy. Kind of feeling nauseous.
Yep! I might puke. Crap. Should I go outside or bathroom? Outside is cold. That is better.
I'll be so embarrassed if I have to leave class and puke! Who does that!? Seriously!
OK Julie. It would be worse to puke on the floor in class, than to puke outside.

The cold air out here feels good.
Oh NO! here it comes!
Whew...  that was just a little bit of energy drink. Not much. Ugh. Still feel puke-ish.
What did I eat for lunch?
Oh yeah... Nothing. Too busy to eat lunch. Maybe energy drink chugged on empty stomach is bad?

I better get back in there for the "cool down" and stretching.
Oops. Class is over. Missed the "cool down" and stretching.
Thank Goodness it's over.
Still Dizzy. Gotta get home.

IN THE CAR, DRIVING HOME: 
What is wrong with me?
I'm so embarrassed!
Seriously!
Can I ever go back to class again?
I almost died in there.

What is wrong with me?
What was I thinking going back to class?
I can't believe it was that bad.
I'm so out of shape.

Can I really do this again?!
It's like starting ALL OVER again!
Do I want to start ALL over again?

Do I laugh or cry?
I can't cry.

What an idiot.
I can't believe I didn't eat lunch today.
Maybe it's better that way? Would have puked for sure if I had eaten. Maybe?
What is wrong with me!?

Who does that?! Who goes to class, gets that out of breath, gets that dizzy, and almost pukes?
Oh yeah.... Me.

I need to eat a healthy dinner, and go to bed. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow?
I should write. Haven't done that in forever either.

9:30 PM

Feeling sorry for myself.

I don't know if I can do it.

Don't know if I got it in me to commit to that struggle again.

And then:

I remember that I am lucky. I remember I should be thankful to have a fairly healthy, well functioning body. Thankful that I still have a choice. 

Go to bed, Julie.

Tomorrow is a new day. Try again. Start Over.

Pull your head out of your butt, and try again tomorrow.

I failed tonight. But I succeeded too. I succeeded because I went to class, and I tried.

I will try again. 

Success is my only option.

Think Positive. Stay Positive. Be Positive.

Love the Life you Live. 

Seriously!

Thanks for reading my blog,

Julie Brush

Motivation from Eva

My drill Sergeant, Eva, A.K.A. Sergeant Shurts, wrote the following in her "Notes" section on facebook. Since she already posted this publicly, I have taken the liberty of re-posting on my blog.

Motivation:
People are always asking me what keeps me motivated when it comes to exercise. I usually rattle off something about health or fitting into some awesome pair of jeans but I'm going to take a moment to explain what really gets me up and out the door on those days that I really don't feel up to it. Who knows....maybe it will motivate someone who is just starting a workout program or to those of you who are struggling to stick with it. As many of you know Jordans dad, Jeff, died of ALS (Lou Gehrigs disease) in 2006. He fought the disease to the very end and any of you who knew him knew what an active person he was from snow boarding to any game that included a ball. He deteriorated over a period of a few years and each day brought him closer to the end. He once said to me that he would give anything to just jump up and run across the parking lot we were in and the longing to do just that was burning in his eyes. It made me really stop and think how fortunate i was to be able to do that at any given moment and what a waste it was to let the ability sit unused on a shelf. So .............why do I exercise? Because I can.

Hello 2011! The Journey Continues!

I LOVE the new year! A fresh start. It's bigger than a new day or week or month... It's a new YEAR! It's like a "redo" a "start over" a "new game" a "try again"...

I looked at my very first blog, written in January of 2010. As I'm reading it, my first thought was "Seriously?! I'm  STILL there!" Like, I'm wanting and working on the SAME shit I was wanting and working on then! But, after I finished reading it, I thought "Hey this is good, I'm STILL there, wanting and working on the SAME things as before." I'm still on "The Journey" I haven't given up!

In that first blog, I wrote the following:

I want to lose weight, eat healthier, exercise regularly, maintain an organized home, scrapbook, sew, quilt, paint on canvas, decorate my house, buy curtains, blog and write a book. None of these things have been accomplished in the past. They have been started, or attempted, but never completed. I always gave up because I didn't think I was doing it perfect.

So, at the age of 34, in January of 2010, I start my journey towards a middle place. I must strive to think in the middle, to think in the gray areas instead of the black and white. I won't be able to do all the things I want in my life, and do them all perfectly. That will have to be okay with me. This is a new year and a new start for me. I am determined to do something. To complete something. To accomplish something. Even if the road is bumpy and imperfect, and it leads to a place of imperfect results, at least I will have traveled the road and seen the results. That has to be better than standing still.

I HAVE done something. Completed something. Accomplished something. And, let me tell you, the road HAS been bumpy and imperfect. It HAS led to a place of imperfect results. But, I traveled the roads and I HAVE seen the results. This has definitely been better than standing still!

I had started a "weight loss diary" in January of 2010, so I recently looked back at what I weighed at that time. I stepped on the scale this morning, and although I was disappointed to see that I have gained 7.4 pounds over the holiday season, I have lost 15.6 pounds since January of 2010! Like I said before, bumpy and imperfect with imperfect results... but I have results!

My motivation, determination and commitment have been renewed with the new year.  With a fresh start I feel like anything is possible. What I must remember... always remember... is the "middle place".

Being in the "middle place" means to continue on, even if results aren't perfect.  For the first time in my life (as far as diet, exercise and weight loss is concerned) I have continued on, even after numerous set backs and screw ups. I have decided the only way to get to a healthy weight, and maintain a healthy weight, is to continue on... never giving up. I have come to realize that I will always have to watch my weight. Always be careful of what I eat and always exercise. Although I will eventually someday reach my goal weight, I still won't be "done". I will always be on this journey, traveling the bumpy road.

The definition of perseverance is : continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition.  

This year I choose perseverance. I will continue my efforts to lose weight, eat healthier and exercise regularly, despite difficulties, failures and opposition. I will strive to be a better mommy, a better wife, a better friend. I want to attend church more often. I want to be a better person, inside and out. I want to be inspired and inspire others. God gave us this one life to live. I want to live it to the fullest. I want to Love the Life I Live, learning and teaching every step of the way.

Seriously!