This Is Gonna Hurt Like Hell

"Hold On, Hold On To Yourself, For This Is Gonna Hurt Like Hell."

I'm sitting here with a lump in my throat. Tears are welling up in my eyes and it's a bit difficult to see the keyboard as I write. Should I just open the flood gate and let the tears come flowing out? The pain I am feeling for my friend is immense. The anger I feel about her situation is even more intense than the pain. What she has to do will be so hard. So many tears and so much heartache lies ahead for her. I hang up the phone with her. I have been successful in holding back my tears while we were on the phone. I can't do it anymore. My heart is breaking for her, and my tears fall freely now. All that keeps going through my mind is "Hold On, Hold On To Yourself, For This Is Gonna Hurt Like Hell."

I don't think she even knows how bad it's going to get. The gut wrenching pain, that doing the thing that has to be done, will cause her. She is so much more than my friend. She is my sister. We grew up together. We laughed. We cried. We were always honest with one another, when we needed to be. Yet, we knew when it was better to tell a little white lie, just to save the other from hurt feelings. I hate that I can't lie to her now. This is too big. When she asks for my opinion, I have told her the truth. She may agree or disagree, but it is the truth as I see it. I believe she too sees it as the truth, but cannot wholly embrace the truth, as it is too painful to believe. I have held in much of the anger and frustration I feel, because I understand why she can't see things as they are. She still loves him. She is caught in this middle place of indecision. She doesn't want to divorce him. She doesn't want to live with him. I am afraid for her now, as she is being forced into making a decision. Two choices, neither of which she wants to make. Neither of which will be easy.

I want to scream at him and beat on his chest. I want to yell at that Mother Fucker and tell him to go away, to let her be, let her heal. He refuses to be the man she married. He refuses to be what she needs him to be. He won't even "half-ass" it anymore, and be the husband he use to be. He refuses to be the kind of father she wants for her children. He won't make the decision to leave her, because he is too selfish. She doesn't want to make the decision to leave him, because she is too selfless. He has manipulated her for far too long.

In the end, she will make the decision that is best for her and the kids. She may not make that decision today, but eventually she will. She'll doubt herself at times, not sure if she did the right thing. When she does, I'll be right here, telling her to believe in herself and reassuring her that she has indeed made the right decision. I'll never lie to her, not about this. Not about him, and not about the pain that is to come. I will tell her, as Sarah McLachlan sings in her song titled Hold On, "Hold On, Hold On To Yourself, For This Is Gonna Hurt Like Hell."

To my friend - You know who you are. Please know that I love you and will never leave you. I'll always support and encourage you, no matter what decisions you make. I will look at things from your point of view, to the best of my ability. If I don't agree with you, I'll still love you and support you. You can tell me anything, and I won't judge you. I love you.